


Hontou no kimi ga subete wo yurusu hi made  (Till the day your true self will forgive himself)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Class Differences, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 07:12:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15601059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He was tired of the fact that the love he felt for Yuya came with an expiration date, he was tired he had to keep thinking and mulling over stuff in the cruel waiting for his fears to become real.





	Hontou no kimi ga subete wo yurusu hi made  (Till the day your true self will forgive himself)

Yuri backed off until he reached the desk, sitting on it and waiting.

Yuya was a few steps away from him, he stared at him with his eyes darkened, serious, while he slowly started walking toward him.

Once he reached him, once he started kissing him, Yuri felt he couldn’t even remember his own name anymore, but after all that had always been the effect Takaki had on him.

He kissed him and let the elder kiss him, and touch and bite and take as if neither of them could help it despite what they were risking, despite the fact that they knew there was a chance someone was going to walk inside that empty classroom, for one reason or another.

But as time had gone by and the number of times they had taken the same risk had grown, Yuri had realized he found that hint of danger arousing more than anything else, and that it was the same for Yuya, and he felt it in the way he thrust inside of him harder, by the way he let the younger’s body wrap around him, by the way he wanted to feel his skin, his mouth.

Every time as if it was the last one.

But Chinen kept that thought out of his mind, and focused instead on feeling Yuya inside.

As if it was the last time.

Once they had both climaxed he held tight onto him, as he always did.

He was scared he could've disappeared all of a sudden, and Yuya knew that and just let him.

As if it was...

And neither of them, in the end, knew whether there was really going to be another time.

 

~

 

When he and Yuya had started seeing each other, Yuri hadn't thought much about that relationship.

He knew from which family the elder came, and he had imagined that someone like him just wanted to get it out of his system with him.

Most likely, he had thought back then, he was accustomed to get everything he wanted without having to ask.

Yuri was fine with it anyway; all in all, it could've been a nice way to spend his time too.

When he had realized the kind of person Takaki truly was, when he had realized that he was seriously into it, he had given him a clean slate, and for the first time he had seen him under a different perspective.

It had slowly stopped being just sex, he had slowly started falling for the elder, and he would've never thought something like that was ever going to happen.

Now, months later, it felt almost impossible that there had been a time in his life where he had thought Takaki was just an opportunist.

Spoiled, for sure, but since Yuri himself wasn’t a whim for him, the younger let him have his way with anything else he asked for.

They were good together, and neither of them cared about how they had gotten there.

“Want to come over later?” Yuya asked during lunch, torturing the tuna in his plate as if he didn’t really want to eat it.

Chinen grimaced, raising his eyes from his lunch.

“Your place?” he asked to confirm, almost hoping he had misunderstood.

Takaki laughed, nodding.

“Yes, Yuri. My place.” he said. “Don’t be like that, as if I've asked you to walk inside a lion’s den!” he complained, starting to eat something.

Chinen avoided telling him it wasn’t much different, and started thinking.

He didn’t really know what stopped him from going to the elder’s house.

He had already been there, after all, and nothing terrible had ever happened.

His parents were rarely home, and he had never met them; but even if he had, there was nothing proving that he was more than a friend to Takaki.

Most likely, it was something in the whole feeling that place gave him which stopped him.

Yuri’s house was nice, his parents earned enough to send him to that school and to let him have whatever he desired, but if he compared it with Takaki’s house, it was a whole other thing.

That’s what was wrong. Going there reminded him of how far Yuya’s world was from his own, and it made him see it as if it was covered in gold, as if his existence was unreal for how different it was from what he was used to.

But he saw the expectation on the elder’s face, he saw how much he wanted to spend the day with him, and so all he could do was smile.

“Fine, fine. If you really want me to, I’ll go.” he allowed, kicking him softly under the table.

Yuya nodded, glad, and he started eating with much more enthusiasm than before, as if he had suddenly gotten hungry.

“We could watch a movie. Oh, and I’ve got a few new videogames, we can try those. Or...” he raised his eyes on Yuri, embarrassed. “Too much?” he asked, and the younger chuckled.

“The right amount.” he replied, smiling. “We can do whatever you want, anyway. You know that.”

“Everything I want?” the other repeated, arching an eyebrow. “You should know better than to leave me that kind of freedom, Chinen Yuri.”

Yuri shook his head, exasperated, and went back eating without replying to him.

He was going to leave him as much freedom as needed, he really didn’t care what they were going to do, as long as they were together.

He kept feeling the sand falling down the hourglass grain by grain, and he was terrified that their time was going to be over before he had had a chance to spend every possible moment with Yuya.

Once again he forced himself to keep it out of his mind, and once again it was incredibly hard to do so.

They still had time, he told himself.

They still had some time.

 

~

 

In the end, going at Yuya’s had been better than he had imagined.

Only the help was there, and they had holed themselves up in the elder’s room so that no one was going to bother them, and at some point Yuri had forgotten where he was.

They had watched a movie that the elder really wanted to see, then they hadn't felt like getting off the couch and they had stayed there, quiet.

If Yuya hadn't kept brushing his hair, lying beneath him, Yuri would've thought he had fallen asleep.

“Yuuyan?” he called him. “If someone were to walk through the door it would be hard to say I'm just a friend, right?”

Takaki laughed, but he didn’t move an inch from his position.

“Doesn’t matter. I'm sure no one’s going to come in.” he reassured him, then he sat up, pulling him along and pressing his lips on the side of his neck. “You know, my parents are out of town. They’ll be back in two days.” he informed him, and even though Yuri couldn’t see him he knew there was a mischievous smile on his face.

He sighed, letting go against him, bringing his hand back to caress his face.

“Mh. So?” he asked, pretending he didn’t know where this was going.

“So...” Yuya let his hands slip down his chest and then back up, his lips still brushing him. “Maybe you can call home and tell you won’t be back tonight. Right?”

Chinen bit his lower lip, thoughtful.

He had never spent the night with Yuya. He didn’t know why, but there was something telling him he really shouldn’t have done that.

Right now he felt he hated him, because since they had gotten together he had never made things clear, he had never told him what was going to be of them in the future, so that Yuri often didn’t feel comfortable expressing his doubts to him, his anxiety, his fears.

And so he repressed it, and he tried not to allow too much to that relationship, without knowing that it was already compromised, that it had been from the moment he had decided to fall in love, and that now it made no sense to deprive himself of anything that regarded Yuya.

If he had to hurt himself, he wanted it to be worth it.

“Fine.” he accepted, after a few more seconds of silence. “I’ll call my parents.”

He stood up, walking toward the window and dialling his mother’s number, quickly making up a lie about how _absolutely necessary_ it was for him to sleep over at Yuya’s that night.

His mother wasn’t stupid. Yuya had been at their house more than once, and she kept looking at them as if she knew everything, but still pretended to be oblivious.

Yuri had never given any explanation and they both seemed to be fine with it, without too many words.

He had heard that in her tone as well when she had told him she was fine if he didn’t come back home, sounding almost amused, and Yuri had felt the sudden need of confirming her suspicions, of telling her about him and Yuya, and have then someone to lash his frustration on.

But he kept quiet, with her as with everybody else, and he hung up as soon as humanly possible.

He went back to the elder and laid down on top of him again, as if trying to hide himself inside his embrace, convinced that as long as he had the right to stay there, then there was nothing that could possibly hurt him.

Yuya knew how he felt, as much as he kept trying to pretend everything was fine between them, that there was no issue at all.

He knew it, and he held him even tighter against himself, making him turn his face and kissing him in a rush, leaving his taste on his lips.

Yuri hung on to that taste and to those moments, once again.

He sought refuge in that slight uneasiness, before it became too much to be stood, and he cursed himself and Yuya, because day after day they kept growing as if they were in a rush to do so, as if they wished to reach the last stop, as if they weren’t scared of it.

But they couldn’t make miracles anymore. Now, come to that, no one could make any miracle for them.

 

~

 

The table in the dining room was definitely too big for Yuri’s taste.

He had never had a meal in that house, but he had somehow predicted it wasn’t going to be the happiest experience of his life.

Yuya was too far, and the help didn’t leave them any privacy, so after having attempted small talk he had decided to shut up entirely.

At least, he soothed himself thinking that, the food was delicious.

“Obocchan?” an uptight-looking woman got close to Yuya, a neutral look on her face and her stride steady, impeccable, so much that Yuri almost felt sorry for her. “Your mother has called. She has said that as soon as she will return home, she is going to fix a meeting with the dean of the Keio University.” she informed him, without waiting for Yuya to give her an answer before leaving the room again, without adding anything else. Probably, Yuya wasn’t supposed to have anything to say in the first place.

Takaki went back eating as if nothing had happened, while Yuri stared at him.

He felt like an idiot and he tried to convince himself to keep eating, but it was useless.

Why did he leave stuff like that  have such an effect on him?

It was November already, in a few months Yuya was going to get his diploma, he was going to go to college and before getting a degree he was going to end up with a ring on his finger.

He felt breathless.

He got up instinctively, murmuring some quick apology, and under the surprised eyes of the butler and maids, and Yuya, he ran out of the room.

Still running, he got into the elder’s bedroom and headed to the bathroom door, waiting to have locked it before bursting into tears.

It was too much for him, just too much.

He was tired of the fact that the love he felt for Yuya came with an expiration date, he was tired he had to keep thinking and mulling over stuff in the cruel waiting for his fears to become real.

He punched the wall, but he couldn’t stop crying.

He heard knocking softly, and Yuya’s voice called his name.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he opened.

It was pointless, after all, to wait further.

If he had waited to calm down, he might’ve as well spend the rest of his life there and still feel bad, so he could've just tried and face the problem while he was at it.

“Baby...” Takaki murmured when he saw his face, and he quickly got close, holding him in his arms.

Yuri didn’t struggle.

He rested his face against his chest, thinking he should've apologized later for having wet his shirt, and he kept crying between those arms which almost completely hid him.

They kept still for a while, Yuya held him close and slowly caressed his back, kissing the side of his head from time to time, without having the courage to say anything.

It was Chinen then who pulled away, and then Yuya nodded toward the bedroom and went sitting on the mattress, pulling Yuri on top of him.

“What is it, Yu?” he asked, concerned.

The younger shrugged and sighed, torturing the palm of his hands with his fingernails.

“Why do you always pretend everything’s okay, Yuya?” he murmured. “Why can't you say how things actually are, why can't you tell the truth?”

The elder sighed as well, keeping him tight against himself as if he was afraid he was going to run away again.

“I'm sorry, Yuri.” he apologised. “I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through, I'm sorry that...” he cursed, licking his lips “If I had thought from the beginning that things with you would've gotten so serious I would've never let you get so close. Believe me, the last in the world I want is to hurt you, but at the same time I can't give up on you.”

Yuri should've been glad for those words.

He should've been happy that Yuya didn’t want to give up on him, glad that he had finally admitted it was like that, but he couldn’t.

Somehow, it was like he had kept lying to himself up until now, hoping that at the right time Yuya was going to tell him he had misunderstood, that there was no obstacle for them, that they were going to have their happy ending like the best fairy tales.

There were many stories about loves hindered by a million things, was it status or sex, was it money or miscommunication, and each of those stories always ended good, it seemed to fix itself without any logic or reason behind it.

In reality, Yuri knew it wasn’t going to happen.

He knew that this was real life, that no one was going to come and tell him everything was going to be okay, that Yuya wasn’t going to suddenly find a perfect solution for them to keep being together.

Love was far from enough, not when logic and reason were actually there.

And the world Takaki inhabited, covered in gold, making such an effort to appear flawless, hid a rot that Yuri couldn’t help hating, just like he hated the fact that he didn’t have the right to fantasize about a future where he and Yuya could be happy together.

He raised his hand to his face, caressing him softly, and against all odds he smiled to him.

“We still have time though, don’t we?” he said, starting to deny reality again for both of their sake.

Yuya looked sadder than he had ever seen him, then he hugged him.

“Yuri...”

“Say it.” he interrupted him. “Say we still have time, Yuya. Lie, if need be, we’ve already said enough bullshit to each other, we can afford believing this too.”

But Yuya didn’t answer, for he didn’t want to lie anymore.

He grabbed his hips instead, throwing him on the mattress and climbing on top of him, their faces mere inches from each other.

“Let me make love to you, Yuri.” he whispered.

The younger, had the circumstance been different, would've laughed about the expression and the solemnity, but not now.

It wasn’t time to laugh anymore.

He just nodded, and less than a second later he felt Yuya’s hands search for his body, his skin, as if he couldn’t help it, making a quick work of his clothes and doing the same with his own, then he stopped to look at him.

“Yuri.” he said, his voice hoarse. “I lo...”

“Don’t say it.” the younger stopped him, feeling about to cry again. “Don’t you dare say it.”

Takaki sighed, biting down on his lips and deciding not to insist.

He brought his mouth down to his body, tracing those imaginary lines his fingers had drawn over him, and Yuri did his best to focus on that only, on every single feeling Yuya gave to him, on the way he slowly took possession of every inch of him, in such a different way than their usual way to have sex.

He saw the urge in his touch, but he also saw how he tried to be tender, as if he thought it was what the younger needed.

Or, perhaps, he was the one who needed that.

He kept touching him, going down to his hips and his legs, pushing them open to settle down between them, running his tongue on his inner thigh and up, until his lips brushed his cock.

Yuri knew what the elder was trying to achieve, and he was doing that perfectly; he could feel him everywhere, and he didn’t know how to move to meet his touch. By doing so, his mind was emptied, full of only him and what he was making him feel.

He brought a leg over his shoulder, pulling him against himself and rolling his head back against the pillow while the elder tortured him with his mouth, his tongue licking his whole length, going down to his rim, slowly starting to prep him with his mouth only.

Yuri moaned out loud, and he didn’t even care that someone might’ve come into the room. It wasn’t about the thrill or the excitement anymore, he just wasn’t going to let anything tear him away from this.

He pushed himself against Yuya’s mouth and hands as if his life depended on it, getting soon tired of that torture, and he didn’t even have time to ask the elder that Yuya let one finger slip inside of him, soon followed by a second, moving them fast and raising his eyes on him, half smiling to him when he saw the tormented look on his face.

After a few moments Yuri pushed him away, sitting up and pulling them close again, letting their lips clash together, searching for his tongue with his own and bringing his hands behind his back, holding on to him as if he needed it to survive.

Yuya pushed on the small of his back, getting him closer, kneeling on the mattress without parting his mouth from him, laying down for Yuri to be more comfortable.

He caressed him, softly, before pushing inside of him. Chinen backed from the kiss and bit his lip, holding even tighter on his flesh, letting his nails dig in to get used fast to intrusion.

It didn’t take him long and pushed his hips to meet Yuya’s, nodding to give him permission to start moving; and the elder was more than happy to comply.

Yuri could see the urge in his movements, the need he felt of being inside of him, to feel him like that, and he could completely relate, for it was the exact same need he had right now.

To feel the Yuya make way inside of him, giving him that warmth he wasn’t going to feel any other way, making him feel good and giving him all he had, because he knew that soon there was going to be nothing left to be given, and he as the younger wanted to consume their relationship, burn it into the last minute of it, so as to leave them with no regrets.

Again Yuri saw him different than usual, but he liked that change from their usual jumping on each other like animals, stealing what little time they had to desperately trying to feel the other’s skin on.

Now instead, he was loving the way Yuya caressed him, kissing his lips and his neck, down to his collarbone, still moving inside of him and smiling whenever he let out a sharper moan.

When Yuri felt him bring a hand to his cock he groaned, a little for that contact and a little because he knew neither of them was going to last long, and he didn’t want it to be over.

But he couldn’t fight the orgasm, not with Yuya’s fingers teasing him and his thrusts inside, getting deeper and deeper; he spilled over his hand and his own body, barely keeping a scream in as he arched his back, offering himself even better to the elder’s movements.

Yuya, on his part, didn’t hold back and kept thrusting inside of him, coming shortly after, moaning his name and tightening his hands on his flesh, desperately trying not to scream.

He let go against him, softly, moving on a side and wrapping his arms around him, and Yuri felt it was all he needed, that he craved remnants of his warmth to feel good, to deal with the fact that it was over, as usual too soon.

He rested his forehead against his chest, kissing him softly, unable to say anything while he tried to breathe properly and to will his heart to beat at a normal pace.

“I don’t care that you don’t want me to say it.” Yuya murmured after a while. “I love you, Yuri. I love you, and I'm sorry.”

Chinen held his breath. He felt the night, he felt the beguiling silence of the day coming to an end, and he liked that silence, because there was nothing else he wanted to hear after those words.

He wanted to tell him he loved him too, that he was going to keep loving him forever, but he knew it would've hurt them both too much, so he left Yuya’s confession alone to give them its part of pain.

He held his boyfriend tighter, hiding himself against his skin, wanting to do nothing but stay in that bed with him as long as they were allowed.

Takaki didn’t seem to want to do otherwise, and he shifted a little to pull the covers on them, sighing and closing his eyes, as if him too didn’t want to do or say anything else.

They had consumed themselves, after all, they had said and done what they could, and now all that was left was waiting.

Yuri did the same and closed his eyes, caressing the darkness that welcomed him, just like next morning he was going to do with the light which would've shown Yuya next to him.

But for now, there was nothing he wanted to see.

With his eyes closed he could fantasise he wasn’t inside that much despised house, in that gold and that luxury which were going to take away from him the only thing he had ever cared about.

The depth of that life which Yuya represented and what was going to be of him after graduation managed to dim the temptation to live for him; he would've done that otherwise, like he was doing it right now. Trying to keep in mind that it couldn’t be forever wasn’t an easy task when Yuri felt his hands on him, when he felt his own skin against the elder’s, and everything he could've wished for was to keep feeling that for the rest of his existence.

But one day Yuya was going to go to him, and he had imagined it a thousand times, and he was going to tell him they had to break up, that it was the last time they were going to see each other, and Yuri knew they were both making an effort so that the day wasn’t going to be too soon.

He imagined him say he was going to marry the daughter of some important CEO of some equally important company, and that he was going to be bound hands and feet to a destiny which didn’t belong to him, but that had been written for him the day he was born.

Fearing the coming of that day Yuri had treated those moments he could spend with him like gold, burning them into his mind, so that one day he wasn’t going to trick himself into believing it had been just a dream.

Now, in the darkness and against the elder’s scorching body, he couldn’t really believe in a dream.

Dreams, he told himself, always ended up happily; his own wasn’t going to.

Dreams were wonderful, and his own was as well.

He was in no rush to wake up to realize it wasn’t his life. He wanted to fall asleep hugging him, now, thinking he was never going to let him go.

“I love you.” he murmured.

Perhaps there was nothing to fear inside those words.

They really couldn’t hurt more than he already was.


End file.
